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Photo: Gage Skidmore

I love Donald Trump. I really do.

You’re probably expecting some sort of sardonic followup, a wink and a nod and a tongue firmly planted in cheek. I’ve got nothing for you. I love Donald Trump.

I know this isn’t a popular opinion amongst my liberal, tree-hugging colleagues here at Planet Experts, though even they have the decency to permit me my opinion (as opposed to Mrs. Django Reynard, who projectile vomits on the dog whenever I mention He Who Must Not Be Named). And so here I am, combing lentils out of my husky’s fur, and here we are, at the dawning of a glorious Republican Presidency.

Donald Trump speaking at CPAC in Washington, 2011. (Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore / Flickr)

Donald Trump speaking at CPAC in Washington, 2011. (Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore / Flickr)

About Last Night

On Thursday evening, Mr. Trump graciously accepted his party’s nomination for President of the United States. He then gave a 75 minute speech and ended it with these four promises:

  • We will make America strong again.
  • We will make America proud again.
  • We will make America safe again.
  • We will make America great again.

And I love Donald Trump for that. Throughout this long – inexorably long, exhaustingly long, absurdly long – campaign, no other candidate has had the guts, the gumption or the grit to admit these things to the American people. America is not strong. America is not proud. America is not safe. America is not great.

As Trump said, “We cannot afford to be so politically correct anymore…. [H]ere, at our convention, there will be no lies. We will honor the American people with the truth, and nothing else.”

And what is the truth?

The Truth About America’s Strength

Sure, America is militarily strong. It spends more on defense than the next seven countries combined. At an annual $596 billion per year, America spends more on its defense than the entire GDP of several small, defenseless nations. But all those tanks and bases and guns and bombs don’t make us strong.

America’s weakness is its inability to protect itself from itself.

And Donald Trump sees that. “The problems we face now – poverty and violence at home, war and destruction abroad – will last only as long as we continue relying on the same politicians who created them,” he said. “A change in leadership is required to change these outcomes.”

Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK). Once threw a snowball on the Senate floor to prove global warming was a hoax. Also takes millions in donations from fossil fuel interests. (Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore / Flickr)

Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK). Once threw a snowball on the Senate floor to prove global warming was a hoax. Also takes millions in donations from fossil fuel interests. (Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore / Flickr)

Donald Trump looked out over the broad swath of the U.S. political system and saw nothing but fools and career politicians whose pockets were stuffed by special interests. He jumped into the political arena when he realized that Republicans’ bread and butter – dumb, disadvantaged and pasty white Americans – were being stirred up by Republican rhetoric year after year, only to be let down when the elections ended and things returned to business as usual. Incomes have been stagnant since the ‘70s, fat cats keep getting fatter, Americans keep getting fatter and nobody’s doing anything about the millions of immigrants working piss-poor jobs under piss-poor conditions that are stealing all the piss-poor wages that white Americans used to pay labor unions to fight against.

You’ll notice, Donald Trump hasn’t promised to do anything about inflation or Citizens United, but he has promised to build America a wall.

America isn’t strong, folks. The best we can do is wrap ourselves up in a 10-foot-high security blanket and wait for the merciless end.

The Truth About America’s Pride

Remember the last time you were proud to be an American? Maybe you do. It’s a funny thing, U.S. patriotism. You may not know this, but in Europe nationalism is often looked down on. It smacks of authoritarianism and fascism and xenophobia, forces that had severe consequences for Europeans half a century ago. (Of course, a lot of those fads are coming back into fashion now that centuries of Imperialism in the Middle East have finally come back to bite Europe in the ass.)

But this isn’t Europe, folks. This is the U.S. of A., where we kick so much A. we don’t even know why we’re kicking it anymore. The Afghanistan War started when I was in middle school. Know how old I am now? Old enough to have a dog and a Mrs. Django Reynard and credit cards and a dead end job in journalism. That’s old, gentle readers.

But Donald Trump knows that policy doesn’t matter to voters, and it certainly doesn’t matter at the Republican National Convention. All Donald Trump had to do was stand on his stage, let the adulation spill in, and let the venom for America’s black – probably Muslim – President spew forth. He made sure to get a lot of that spew all over Hillary Clinton, too.

“The most important difference between our plan and that of our opponents, is that our plan will put America First,” said Donald Trump. “Americanism, not globalism, will be our credo. As long as we are led by politicians who will not put America First, then we can be assured that other nations will not treat America with respect. This will all change in 2017.”

And who is America, really? Is it the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to break free? Or is it America’s fading Anglo-Saxon race, swamped by ethnicities every color of the rainbow?

Speaking of rainbow, did you notice Donald Trump extended the olive branch to the LGBTQ community? Ted Cruz never thought of that, did he?


via GIPHY

The Truth About America’s Safety

Race relations are not great in America right now. Maybe it’s because black people are still getting killed and police are still getting paychecks for it.

But what’s interesting is that, despite the preponderance of outright horrifying behavior from both sides of the law, today’s violent crime rate is significantly lower than it has been in decades. Violent crimes peaked in the 1990s and have been on the decline ever since. Despite this fact, however, Americans still believe that crime is spiraling out of control.

And Donald Trump is right when he says it’s all the media’s fault.

America cannot be safe, it cannot be great, if all it hears is what gets the highest ratings. Once upon a time, journalism was about informing Americans. Today, it’s about bringing in enough ad revenue to keep the lights on. And when your choice is between binge-watching My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and listening to an hour of pundits highlighting the increasing tenuousness of our financial, environmental and educational systems, well, that’s no choice at all. Why won’t Rebecca just give Greg a chance? He’s adorable.


Rachel Bloom, you are the one thing CW can be proud of. Gif via GIPHY

I’m guilty of this too. Donald Trump brings in so many views to our humble little website. The last time I wrote an article about him, it became the highest-viewed page on our site, next to that time we informed you that America’s eastern pumas are extinct. Just another reason to love Donald Trump.

I love Donald Trump because of the boredom in his eyes. The man might be 70-years-old, but he understands the media landscape better than any politician before him. This is easy for him. It’s probably because Donald Trump doesn’t waste his time sucking on billionaires’ teats the way the rest of our D.C. dynasty do. He’s the real deal, insofar as his ability to make a deal is real. Remember, making a deal is not the same thing as making a buck.

Trump should have been Republicans’ wet dream. He’s the first real Washington outsider to come to Washington, despite Democrats and Republicans slapping themselves with those labels in every political race I’ve been alive for. Unfortunately for his party, Trump is the candidate previous candidates only pretended to be. He doubled down on the animosity for the other side, the fear-mongering, the war-mongering, the tough talk, the social media.

America is not safe, because we don’t have politicians who care about our safety. If we did, neither Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton would be running in this election. If we did, it wouldn’t take half a year (and probably longer) to replace a member of the Supreme Court. If we did, both sides of the aisle would compromise to transition our coal workers into jobs that aren’t choking our children and aggravating the atmosphere. If we did, an election campaign wouldn’t take 18 months.

What we have is a political circus, and Donald Trump is its newly-nominated ringmaster. Me, I love Donald Trump because I can’t think of a more deserving American to preside over the clowns in Washington. 

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3 Responses

  1. Debi says:

    Well written and very insightful points!

  2. One of the most sophomoric takes I’ve read in a while.

    Man…I’m glad I’m not an impressionable, arrogant kid with a utopian view of what America used to be. News flash. Leave it to Beaver was a television show and “If it bleed it leads” has been around for as long as there have been newspapers.

    “America is not safe because we don’t have politicians who care about our safety.”

    Really buddy? Really?

    Grow up son. It’s time.

  3. Sometimes it takes a true patriotic american to realize that America is justified in seeking greatness. America über alles is Trumps mantra. He shall be our father and supreme leader (aka Führer). No one else understands the common man and what is good for him. Der Trump alone recognizes the enemy hiding in the shadows, ready to cut our throats, steal our money, and corrupt the natural God given superiority of the American, free market capitalist, caucasian. He alone recognizes the duty of every decent woman to produce as many baby patriots as possible and abandon the false promises of equality and indecency of working beside men. Education, politics and prosperity is for the superior man, the powerful man, the rich man. God has ordained this and blessed the righteous with wealth. The unpatriotic non-believer spreads lies and deception when they try to discredit the wisdom of this brilliant and all knowing, truly superior leader, who lives in pious solitude in his celestial tower.

    Joseph goebbels would be so proud.

    “Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil.”

    The intellectual take of a true professional journalist like Pierce (Planet Experts Editor) would receive fewer readers and less elevated blood pressure; though it is far more informative of fact and analysis. I also love Trump. Few, except you Django realize that Trump is America looking into a mirror. Your sardonic take only shows the hairy armpit of U.S. gullibility and boisterous ignorance.

    Perhaps you are right Pierce, a little humor and sarcasm may be what is needed to break the bleak prospects of this political season.

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